One month and 6 days have come and gone since Sidney got her angel wings. And there hasn’t been a single moment in any one of those days that I wasn’t thinking of her. I miss Sidney. I hope everyone is able to see her video on the front page of the site. My cousins Jeff and Ryan put the video together and to them our family is grateful. 

“This is the day the Lord has made, let us rejoice and be glad in it.” ~ Psalm 118:24 

This bible verse has had so much more meaning to me since Sidney’s passing. I don’t know if you remember, but it one of verses we chose for a reading at Sidney’s Celebration of Life service. Then, coincidently a couple Sundays ago at service, the pastor chose this verse to talk about. We’ve been exploring small bible verses with big meanings. We were asked to think about the best day of our life. He mentioned the day we were born, the day we took our first steps, or got our first car, had our first child, the day we got married, etc. And then he went on to say that while these were all great days, the best day of our life is today. You can’t change what happened yesterday. And while we hope there is a tomorrow, there are no guarantees. Live for today. When your child wants to learn how to ride their bike or play ball or whatever, don’t say maybe later or maybe tomorrow. Give them your time today. Today is the best day of your life. Thank God every day for giving you another day.   

Don’t cry for me I am ok

I’m walking with the Lord today

I had to leave you for awhile

But one day soon you will see me smile

The angels took my hand that night

And softly lead me toward the light

I couldn’t stay for one more day

To be with you to laugh or play

I know you feel alone and scared

But don’t forget how much I caredI

’m really not that far away

Just listen to your heart and pray

I’m there in every new spring flower

And I’ll be there with you in your last hour

When you get here you will understand

It is all a part of God’s great plan

So smile for me, please don’t be sad

Be thankful for the times we’ve had 

What a beautiful poem written by my girlfriends Christine and Connie Toomey. Thank you ladies!! My love to you. 

One week ago today, we had Sidney’s burial. It was very nice. We had a small gathering at Dawn Valley with family and close friends and it was here where we said our final goodbyes. We said goodbye to this chapter in our life. To Miss Sidney we say, “Until we see you again”. Rick and I did have Sidney’s body cremated. We buried some of her ashes in a beautiful urn with a little angel on the front of it. At her place of burial our family will come to visit for years to come. I now have my cross necklace in which I carry some of Miss Sidney’s ashes with me. I wear my cross always! And always, I feel Sidney with me. While Sidney may no longer be my angel here on earth, she is my angel in heaven and her spirit will forever be with me. Rick now has his heart stone upon which is three white doves and inside is Sidney’s ashes. At Sidney’s burial service we released three white doves. The dove release represented a moment of reflection and comfort. The release was beautiful, truly amazing just as Sidney was. It helped bring Rick and me closure and a sense of enlightenment that Sidney’s spirit has been lifted and has become free. Sidney finally went home. 

"And I say, "Had I but wings like a dove, I would fly away and be at rest." - Psalm 55.6 

A poem for Sidney by Wanda Davis 

God’s Lil Angel 

Come, Come Lil Sidney

Come lay down your troubles

Come lay your head upon my hands 

Come, Come Lil Sidney

Your troubles are over

Your burdens lay me down

Your heart wide open 

Come, Come Lil Sidney

To a place of peace and joy

To the arms of God and hands of many

To the quiet storm and peaceful waters 

Rest

Bless you God’s Lil angel

You’re home 

Thank you to Wanda for the beautiful poem and all your love and support for Sidney and our family. I am in the process of working on many other acknowledgements and thank yous. Please be patient with me.  

My cousins made a DVD from Sidney’s many pictures. Every time I watch (and I watch it often), it brings me many tears and many smiles as well. We are working on a way to share the video with all. It is amazing to see Sidney and her journey this past year. It is even more amazing to see her smile through it all.  

Everyone’s continued love, support and prayers are truly appreciated by our family. 

With Love and Gratitude, 

Courtney   

Mommy and daddy miss you Sidney! We love you and hold you in our heart always!

I Can Only Imagine Video 

This song was passed to me from Sidney’s and my fairy godmother, Kim. This song has given Rick and me many tears and many smiles as well as peace as we grieve, love and miss our beautiful daughter. “For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life.” ~John 3:16 It is with great tenderness that Jesus speaks of the innocence of little children: “Their angels always see the face of My Father.” ~Matthew 18:10

It’s hard for me to find the words so that I can even begin writing another journal entry. I miss Sidney every minute of every hour of every day. And when I look at her pictures this horrible reality doesn’t seem real. And how can it not seem real after everything we’ve gone through this past week? My last journal entry, prior to Sidney’s obituary, described our last hours with her and even the hour we spent with her after she passed away. After she passed, we gave her a bath and we dressed her, we wrapped her in her blankies and then held her until we could find the strength to walk away. I’ve always written openly about Sidney’s journey. Maybe to help me, I don’t really know, but I’m going to do so again in this entry. It’s unimaginable for anyone to know the realities of what we’ve gone through since Sidney’s passing. I know other families have gone through what we’re going through, but I think often there’s so much left unsaid.

The morning after Sidney’s passing (I guess technically later in the morning on the same day) we were in the medical examiner’s office making decisions regarding what type of autopsy we’d like performed on our daughter. And then the following day we were arguing with the mortuary with regards to them picking up her little body so they could prepare her to come home. You wouldn’t believe some of the insensitivity of others we’ve dealt with during this process.

I don’t know who reads the entries in Sidney’s guestbook, but there’s an entry from Ines. She writes about seeing “the box” at the airport. That’s what it was. Before coming home we went to the very creepy mortuary to see Sidney and that’s where she was… in a box. Yes, she was already in heaven being held in God’s arms, but that’s hard to remember when you’re looking at your baby in a wooden box. Northwest Airlines was amazing to our family and Sidney was on the same plane with us… we flew home as a family.

My mom and dad have truly been amazing helping Rick and me make Sidney’s final arrangements, but there have still been so many difficult decisions we’ve had to make. Cremation or not? Closed casket or open? Etc… etc… I guess what I’m trying to say is neither Rick nor I have been able to really remember our beautiful Sidney because there is so much that goes into making sure her final arrangements are exactly as we want them to be. Making sure the arrangements are exactly as she deserves them to be.

We’ve chosen cremation for Sidney’s body. It’s this decision that has prolonged our ability to have her burial. Tuesday morning we will finally lay her body to rest. Then we can finally reminisce and grieve and remember our little girl as she was. As a gift from my mom and dad both Rick and I will each have our own little treasure where inside is our Sidney. We will each have her with us forever no matter where we go.

We will love Sidney forever and ever!! We will treasure every moment we were able to spend with her. We will never forget her spirit, her smile, her strength or anything else about her. We will take everything she taught us about life to grow ourselves as we go forward. This was God’s plan for her.

Herein is Sidney's obituary. It will be posted in both the Friday and Saturday editions of the Star Tribune Newspaper. 

I am truly at a loss for words. I don’t know how to express in words the feelings Rick and I have experienced over the last 24 hours. We love our precious angel Sidney. God was in need of our beautiful baby girl and we had to make the extremely difficult decision of letting her go to Him. Yesterday Sidney’s condition became critically worse within a very short period of time. She wasn’t able to maintain her sats or blood pressure and even when it looked like Sidney was doing ok according to the monitors, on paper and by her appearance she clearly wasn’t doing well. We asked to see Dr. Kato around 11 pm last night. We have never once questioned the care that HE has given Miss Sidney. While very difficult for even him to say, he agreed that it would be best for Sidney to be put to rest where she can now rest in peace. As many cords and tubes as possible were removed so that we could spend time holding Sidney until she passed. We wrapped her in her blankets and held her in our arms until the end. I held Sidney first and Rick held Sidney with me by their side when her heart stopped at 1:06 am, July 22, 2008. Once she passed we bathed her, dressed her and each spent one last time holding her in our arms. It wasn’t the way I wanted it, but now we can bring Sidney home.

Many of Sidney’s doctors and nurses were in the room with us and many more were outside her door as Sidney passed away. Many tears were shed at the hospital and many more have been since then. When Rick and I finally got home at 3 am this morning we fell asleep together cuddling with Sidney’s soft pink blankie. We miss her dearly and will forever.

Thank you for your continued support, prayers and love for our family. Your notes in the guestbook haven given Rick and I great strength as we deal with our loss.

WE LOVE YOU SIDNEY!!

Early this morning, Sidney became one of God's angels.

May she rest in peace.

The family thanks each and every one of you for your continued support, love and prayers.

More Updates Will Follow

Sidney’s condition worsened two nights ago. Her state is critical. Early yesterday morning we were called in by her doctor and finally yesterday afternoon we had a very difficult conversation with Sidney’s doctors. Sidney has no room to get worse. The dialysis continues to work and a significant amount of fluid has been removed. However, the fluid removal hasn’t made any improvements on the ability to ventilate Sidney. Her lungs are very sick. Yesterday afternoon she was on max vent settings, including 100% oxygen and sating in the low 80s. There are very little treatment options left to try that may make Sidney better. Dr. Kato suggested yesterday afternoon to flip Sidney over onto her tummy. While this came with high risks it seems to have helped at least a little. Sidney’s back down to 70% oxygen and sating in the low 90s. Sidney needs strength so that her body can fight off the virus on its own.

Sidney is a strong little girl. I have faith that her strength and the love and prayers that surround her will heal her.

“So we don’t look at the troubles we have right now; rather, we look forward to what we have not yet seen. For the troubles we see will soon be over, but the joys to come will last forever.” ~ 2 Corinthians 4:18

“The Lord is my strength, my shield from every danger. I trust in Him with all my heart. He helps me. And my heart is filled with joy.” ~ Psalm 28:7

We love you Sidney! You are our precious baby. Be strong little girl.

July 18, 2008

Sidney continues to struggle as she is still very sick. The good news is that she hasn’t taken any steps backwards! She has actually taken a couple tiny steps forward. Rick made it in last night and together we celebrated Sidney’s 1st birthday. We brought in lots of balloons to her room and a birthday cake to share with the nurses. They were so sweet! They came in and sang Happy Birthday to Sidney.

A dialysis catheter was placed on Wednesday. Sidney was restarted on continuous dialysis as it slowly removes fluid and is gentler for her. For those of you who have been following Sidney’s story since the beginning I think you may remember all the problems the continuous dialysis comes with. Before Sidney had any substantial amount of fluid removed the ‘circuit’ needed to be changed 3 times (that’s exposure to 3 different sources of blood and a lot of wasted blood), her line need to TPA’d and then rewired. Dialysis seems to be running well now (knock on wood). Sidney was 200 – for the day yesterday, but is still very positive overall. As more fluid is removed she will hopefully begin to breathe easier and her vent settings can be decreased.

The Ribavirin… it was an act of God for my questions, concerns and insecurities to have been answered so quickly. Sidney was given her first (and only) dose of Ribavirin on Wednesday. She immediately started hemolyzing. There was blood in her affluent bag (fluid removal bag from dialysis) and it even appeared as if there was blood in her urine (what very little of it there is). Dr. Kato saw Sidney Thursday morning and immediately put the Ribavirin on hold. Never once did I feel completely confident in giving Sidney the drug. I actually felt backed into a wall when I made my decision to sign the consent. And if the inevitable were to happen I would feel awful for haven not tried it. Now I’ve tried it, the consequences presented early and it’s on ‘hold’. Any virus takes time for healing to happen. Sidney is a strong girl!! She’s been very sick before. She’s been very sick when her body was much weaker. Sidney is going to be ok. That must be God’s plan for her.

July 19, 2008

Late last night there was once again a problem with the dialysis unit. The circuit needed to be changed and due to a lack of consistency and a general lack of understanding of standard operating procedures where Sidney is concerned, the change was anything but smooth or flawless. Sidney received an additional 120 mls of fluid that she clearly didn’t need. The additional fluid caused her sats to drop. They were in the low to mid 80s for the duration of time when Sidney carried the additional fluid, while she was on 100% oxygen. Around 1 am this morning the dialysis machine was restarted and by 1:30 she was stable at a removal rate of 80mls / hr. Sidney’s total fluid intake per hour is 20 mls so she has a net removal of 60 mls / hr. Sidney is still at a removal rate of 80 mls / hr and her sats are better. She still needs a lot of fluid removed. Please pray for no dialysis problems today.

Sidney is very sick with RSV (Respiratory Syncytial Virus) and RSV pneumonia. She tested positive for RSV early last week, but at that time she showed no symptoms of the virus. When I left for home on Friday Sidney was still doing well. She was smiling and drinking lots of her water. Saturday she needed to be reintubated. By Sunday the virus seemingly took over and she is suffering many consequences of the virus. She has been requiring very high vent settings to maintain her sats and tonight she is being switched over to the oscillating vent.

Tonight I made the very difficult decision to sign consent for Sidney to be treated with a drug called Ribavirin. Ribavirin is not FDA approved except for “compassionate use”. “Compassionate use” refers to the treatment in seriously ill patients with an ‘experimental, unapproved’ drug when no other treatments are available. Sidney’s Rappamune (immunosuppressant) has been held the past three days so that she may rebuild some of her own immunity to help fight the pneumonia. Holding the immunosuppressant obviously can lead to rejection and regardless of whether or not the immunosuppressant is held, Sidney will still have a suppressed immune system.

Ribavirin has it own consequences. It can cause hemolytic anemia, it’s nephrotoxic, and it can lead to low hemoglobin and hematocrit levels. Ribavirin has been shown to be effective in actually destroying the virus itself and it helps to manage the RSV symptoms. While as with any virus I could’ve chosen to ride out the virus and hope Sidney recovers, but despite the consequences of the drug I feel I at least have to try it. I’m not certain I’d be able to forgive myself it I didn’t try it and ‘something’ happened.

I started this journal entry late last night, but I crashed before I finished. This morning Sidney remains on the oscillating ventilator on moderate settings. Her fluid level continues to be positive which is probably playing a role in the difficulty venting Sidney and her difficulty maintaining her sats. They are going to put in another dialysis catheter and try to dialyze her.

Directly taken from the Centers for Disease Control:

RSV is spread from respiratory secretions through close contact with infected persons or contact with contaminated surfaces or objects. Infection can occur when infectious material contacts mucous membranes of the eyes, mouth, or nose, and possibly through the inhalation of droplets generated by a sneeze or cough.

I should’ve taken Sidney home weeks ago!

“For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” ~ Jeremiah 29:11

Thank you to everyone who came to Sidney’s birthday celebration Sunday. My family enjoyed spending time with all of you. We had so much fun! I’ve said it many times, but I wish that Sidney could have been there with us to celebrate. We will cherish the wonderful memories forever!