It’s hard for me to find the words so that I can even begin writing another journal entry. I miss Sidney every minute of every hour of every day. And when I look at her pictures this horrible reality doesn’t seem real. And how can it not seem real after everything we’ve gone through this past week? My last journal entry, prior to Sidney’s obituary, described our last hours with her and even the hour we spent with her after she passed away. After she passed, we gave her a bath and we dressed her, we wrapped her in her blankies and then held her until we could find the strength to walk away. I’ve always written openly about Sidney’s journey. Maybe to help me, I don’t really know, but I’m going to do so again in this entry. It’s unimaginable for anyone to know the realities of what we’ve gone through since Sidney’s passing. I know other families have gone through what we’re going through, but I think often there’s so much left unsaid.

The morning after Sidney’s passing (I guess technically later in the morning on the same day) we were in the medical examiner’s office making decisions regarding what type of autopsy we’d like performed on our daughter. And then the following day we were arguing with the mortuary with regards to them picking up her little body so they could prepare her to come home. You wouldn’t believe some of the insensitivity of others we’ve dealt with during this process.

I don’t know who reads the entries in Sidney’s guestbook, but there’s an entry from Ines. She writes about seeing “the box” at the airport. That’s what it was. Before coming home we went to the very creepy mortuary to see Sidney and that’s where she was… in a box. Yes, she was already in heaven being held in God’s arms, but that’s hard to remember when you’re looking at your baby in a wooden box. Northwest Airlines was amazing to our family and Sidney was on the same plane with us… we flew home as a family.

My mom and dad have truly been amazing helping Rick and me make Sidney’s final arrangements, but there have still been so many difficult decisions we’ve had to make. Cremation or not? Closed casket or open? Etc… etc… I guess what I’m trying to say is neither Rick nor I have been able to really remember our beautiful Sidney because there is so much that goes into making sure her final arrangements are exactly as we want them to be. Making sure the arrangements are exactly as she deserves them to be.

We’ve chosen cremation for Sidney’s body. It’s this decision that has prolonged our ability to have her burial. Tuesday morning we will finally lay her body to rest. Then we can finally reminisce and grieve and remember our little girl as she was. As a gift from my mom and dad both Rick and I will each have our own little treasure where inside is our Sidney. We will each have her with us forever no matter where we go.

We will love Sidney forever and ever!! We will treasure every moment we were able to spend with her. We will never forget her spirit, her smile, her strength or anything else about her. We will take everything she taught us about life to grow ourselves as we go forward. This was God’s plan for her.